NIGHTTIMING

some apologies take me weeks. i dislike loose ends but i lack proper motivation. you cross my mind every day but i have yet to act on my thoughts.

i miss you like my hands miss a keyboard, like my insides miss the power of a confession. i miss you more than my typical welcome home breakfast.

i with you were here.
even if it was only to share my sleepy mornings or stories about a long day before bed. i wish we could share useless words over sunrise.

i wish because i am greedy and remorseful. i never appreciated you when i was given the chance.

nts: patience is a virtue. virtues can be learned practices but they do not erase previous transgressions.

i have not spent any real time with my mother yet.
this is something i am pointlessly apologetic for.
i work days, she works nights. sometimes i come home to an empty apartment and other nights we sit up exhausted and share our days.

i am learning that our mutual concessions are sometimes more devastating than our outright selfishness.

i miss you but it has not developed into some necessity. i miss you but i can do without you. (nts: please remember this fact in moments of weakness) again, i have no right to be selfish and you have no entitlement to my life.

i checked my email for the first time in a week. i can’t bring myself to sort through the aftermath of another year.

i want to eat pho.
i am sick of sandwiches.
i still can’t make a cappucino correctly.

my feet ache for sand and water.

minor blessings.

unemployed to employed. the excitement of a new business, the irritation of two personalities bumping into each other.

the past two lazy afternoons i spent laying out at the same junky beach with the same friend. the sound of waves.

my mother’s morning coffee.

sleeping in my bed. surprised at how chilly it is at night here.

the fact that i have been too exhausted to give you any serious thought.

the warmth of home cooked meals. the silly car rides singing along to songs.

the way i have become a nuna/unnie without trying. the fact that my old school family hasn’t forced me to consider someone an oppa/unnie unless i wanted to.

last leg of the journey home i sat next to a couple on their first trip to hawai’i. i was so humbled by their excitement and it was such a good reminder about how lucky i am to call this place home.

i make a lot of drunken promises.

(sober me keeps them, though)
-
i’ve never had someone belittle me with so little effort. 
i think you are unaware of yourself, your actions, your words. 
-
there is a difference between angry and bitter
i tread the line between your patience and frustration, 
please find some shred of caring left to forgive me. 
- 
(i don’t know what i am doing with my life)
-
am i so transparent in my emotions that i come across as unable to commit?
-
are we making progress? 

tiffany kang:
but i’ve learned that pain doesn’t become invisible 
if you avoid making eye contact with it.
hatred cannot become a better man, 
unless you let it escape from the prison you built. 

tao lin:
I’ve started lying to editors of literary magazines
I tell them I’m in Taiwan or Nicaragua or something
So can I email my submission? 
All lies

I don’t feel sneaky and good about this
I don’t pat myself on the back
And I don’t brag to friends
I don’t even smile
But I do save paper, ink, money, and time  

dear spring semester

my lack of motivation combined with a long year of exhaustive studies were no match for your wily ways. 
the year of continual humbling.